Yesterday I was in the park, usual afternoon walk with my baby, when it hit me. It was just something simple as a few moms hanging out with their children. But it hit me hard. I felt so jealous almost angry so angry. After I came home all what was left was loneliness. I realized how lonely motherhood can be. I don’t remember that I ever had those striking lonely moments. In fact I wish to cry to have one long session of tears I think it would make me feel better.
I remember relating loneliness to boredness. But I’m not bored, I’m constantly overwhelmed with too many things going on everyday all at once and I am exhausted from all the rushing around all the time. I just want everything to be perfect my parenting, my home, my work. It is so hard to keep up. I never have been busier, Mia needs nap, to eat, bath, walk, play; shopping has to be done, dinner has to be made…and on..and on..and on. I used to consider myself as a very organised person hah most of the days I struggle to do musts. Whole my life I loved mornings! It was my favorite part of the day, now I HATE mornings before 12 pm I’m totally exhausted. Happy if I managed to write TO DO LIST which I won’t be able to complete and it continues tomorrow and after tomorrow.
Sometimes I just want to have long conversation with someone other than T. Someone with femail anatomy. Someone in same life stage as me. Someone that gets me. Someone that will tell me that weaning won’t take forever.
Then, when 7 pm strikes and she is sound asleep I think, mama, it is OK to be lonely. It is OK to have 10 minutes shower, to spend most of the day booing and gooing, it is OK to have lunch while multitasking. I know this is just a ”season” most scariest one I have ever experienced. But I know that my baby now needs me and I wouldn’t give her first smile, her first goo, her first movement, those super loud mornings and much more to come for anything in this life. I don’t mind sleepless nights too. I know that I never will be more loved and wanted and needed than I’m now as mama…in this moment. So I took loneliness to follow me (it won’t last forever).
If you feel same and would like to share please do. I would love to hear from you.